LIVE LIKE A SOLDIER
HERE IS A LIST OF THINGS YOU CAN DO RIGHT IN YOUR OWN HOME
TO SIMULATE THE
ACTIONS OF A SOLDIER OVERSEAS:
1. Sleep on a cot in the garage.
2. Replace the garage door with a curtain (ie poncho liner)
3. Two hours after you go to sleep, have your wife/girlfriend/whatever whip
open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble "Sorry, wrong
4. Hang a green plastic sheet down the middle of your bathtub and move the
shower head down to chest level. Keep four inches of cold soapy water on the
5. When you take a shower, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off.
6. Stop cleaning the toilet and pee everywhere but in the toilet itself. For a
more realistic experience, stop using your bathroom and use a neighbor's.
Choose a neighbor who lives at least a 1/4 mile away.
7. Leave a lawn mower running in your living room 24 hours a day.(simulate
8. Have the paper boy give you a haircut.
9. Set your alarm clock to go off at random time during the night. When it
goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can. Simulate
that there's no hot water by running out into your yard and using the garden
10. Once a month take a major appliance completely apart and put it back
11. Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have your
family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one than was
selected by majority vote.
12. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on "high"
13. Use eighteen scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for five or six
hours before drinking.
14. Invite at least 185 people you don't really like because of their strange
hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple months. Mix laundry loads and
exhange clothes with them.
15. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors
so that you either stumble or hit your head every time you pass through.
16. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your nightstand and bring it to the
bathroom with you along with a gun and a flashlight.
17. Wash only fifteen items of laundry a week. Roll up the semi-wet clean
clothes into a ball. Place them in a cloth sack in the corner of the garage
where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them and without ironing or removing
mildew, wear them to professional meetings and family gatherings. Pretend you
don't know what you look or smell like.
18. Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince yourself it's for malaria.
(thank goodness we havent had to take these...yet...)
19. Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blasts and fragmentation.
20. Make your family dig a survivability position with overhead cover in the
back yard. Complain that the 4x4s are not on center and make them rebuild.
21. When your five year old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact
stick of gum and flavor he wants on the internet and print out the web page.
Type up a form and staple the web page on the back. Submit the paperwork to
your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your kid the gum.
22. Wait for the coldest/hottest day of the year and announce to your family
that there will be no heat/AC that day so you can perform much-needed
maintenance on the heater/AC unit. Tell them you are doing this so they won't
23. Put your entire house on a generator and turn it off during the heat of
the day so even your fans won't work because the generator "overheated."
24. Buy a camouflage sport coat. Line it with full sandbags. Cut a hole in the
roof of your car. Have your kid stand in the hole with a water pistol and
"protect the convoy." Drive to Death Valley without using your A/C. Stay there
overnight but never take off your sport coat.
25. Have everyone send you mail at the parcel post rate so it takes 3.5 weeks
to get to you.
26. Walk around your neighborhood with a blowhorn announcing the latest terror
threat level and tell them to stay inside a hardened building (wearing their
sport coats and kevlar).
27. Go to the most crime-infested place you can find, heavily armed, wearing
your sport coat with full sand bags, and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a
tent in a vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them.